all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
In America we eat man semen.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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