My boss' voice literally gives me gas
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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