That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize