Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you inspire me to be a worse person
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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