just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
