dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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