listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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