Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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