Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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