Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(731): View more from Tennessee

new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.

(1-731): View more from Tennessee

ohh what kind?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.

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(214): View more from Texas

Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.

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(631): View more from New York

I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me

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(561): View more from Florida

Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.

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(772): View more from Florida

I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..

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(904): View more from Florida

Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine

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(810): View more from Michigan

Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.

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