We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Im part way to drunk.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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