It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
