my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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