was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize