broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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