if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
