Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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