Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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