I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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