Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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