My Higher Power is John Stamos
I smell stomach acid.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
