Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
