Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
