is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Randomize
