is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
