Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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