Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
