Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
you never un-have a 4some
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
