I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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