Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize