Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
