I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
