i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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