just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
