she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
