There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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