Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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