A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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