I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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