I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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