hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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