I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
