I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Never let your siblings swipe right.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
