Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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