she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
