You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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