last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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