I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
