Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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