Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
