why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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