I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
