Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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