I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
