like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
