God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
