Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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